Embracing Tragedy: Being Present in Pain

As a father of four boys, you may imagine that life is hectic from time to time for me.  While it truly is, in fact, quite crazy sometimes, it isn’t always because of the reasons you might think.  I have four boys, ages 11, 4, 3, and almost 2, and that certainly makes for an interesting daily living experience for my wife and me.  We do our best to remain patient and lean on God’s strength and peace to fill us on the days that seem overly daunting and occasionally even downright impossible, but we are human.  Therefore, we fail… and fail often, unfortunately.

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What I have come to understand, though, is that even during those hard days, the genuinely best thing that we can do as parents is simply show up.  Show up physically (we are the parents, obviously we have to show up).  Show up emotionally.  Show up spiritually.  Just… SHOW UP.  My greatest challenge in life thus far (I’m closing in on 34 this month) regarding showing up began on July 3, 2015 – The day that my life, and the lives of my entire family changed!

On July 3, 2015, my 2nd son, Ezekiel, was diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia, was immediately admitted to the hospital for blood and platelet transfusions, and was not permitted to leave for almost two weeks while undergoing the very first stages of his cancer treatment (chemo).  During that time my heart felt torn out.  My mind felt crushed.  My spirit and my joy… utterly destroyed.  But in those first days, I made the decision that I honestly feel most parents would make in my situation… TO SHOW UP.  I decided then and there, I would be at every single appointment.  I would attend every single chemo treatment at the hospital.  I would NEVER allow my then 2-year-old to do any of this alone.  I chose to be strong and show him that he didn’t need to be afraid… OF ANYTHING.

My work, bless them, was so incredibly understanding and accommodating.  They allowed me to work insane hours way more often than I would have liked.  Working graveyard shifts a couple of times a week to then take Ezekiel to the hospital and be with him there for the remainder of the day.  This schedule took a pretty heavy toll on me.  Starting my days at 11:30pm and not ending them until about 9pm the next night was pretty difficult on me and my body.  But like I said, my son was never going to have to deal with any of this on his own, and I was determined to demonstrate to him that I was there, I was with him, and I wasn’t going anywhere.

I decided to show up, simply.  I decided that he was going to be my priority.  I was incredibly fortunate in that my work understood my desire to be with my son, and as I stated, allowed me to do so.  I am eternally grateful to my work and everyone there.  I was able to show up for my son consistently because of the support system from my work.

Then came the difficult task of showing up… for all my other kids as well.  Zeke was the one who needed me the most during that time, but my other boys needed me as well.  Every boy needs his father to help lead him and show him love and support.  In those first months of treatment, though, I was almost entirely dedicated to Zeke.  In those months, then, I had to find ways to show up for my other boys as well.  It was in doing that, however, where I learned one of the most important lessons regarding showing up from my boys.  While my dedication to Zeke felt like the greatest example of showing up I could have ever exhibited, it wasn’t.  Yes, Zeke benefitted greatly from my showing up for him.  But it was the simple act(s) of a few minutes alone with my other boys, a quick story read, a brief wrestling match, a gentle snuggle while watching a cartoon at night, a hug and a kiss before bed… it was these tiny efforts, these smaller examples of showing up… that taught me the most important lesson…

You don’t have to show up in some dramatic and overly orchestrated way.  It doesn’t have to be something to make headlines or the front page.  You can do something as simple as looking at your child, saying “I love you” and giving a hug.  Even more so, it could be something as easy as holding hands to pray with your child at night… nothing says that you are willing to show up for your kids than to take the time out of your day to stop, be still, embrace them and pray with and for them.  If you have younger children, they might not entirely understand what each and every word of your prayer means… but what they will understand… NO MATTER THEIR AGE… is that you are WITH THEM!!  No matter how old a child is, no matter how much they know or don’t know… understand or don’t understand… I guarantee and promise that something that will always click with a child… IS THAT YOU ARE PHYSICALLY THERE, SHOWING UP FOR THEM!!!

So in one of my life’s greatest challenges and struggles, my son’s cancer diagnosis, I learned so much – not only from him and his journey, but also from figuring out how to bring all my other children along with us so we could all walk that road together – because we are a family.

Family should always show up together.

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Adam Lowe

Adam Lowe

Adam Lowe is an ordinary man who has lived extraordinary circumstances. The fourth of six kids, all homeschooled, Adam started out his life in what might be seen as a less than extraordinary path. Making his way through years of homeschool to then enter college and graduate with a BA in Literature and Writing Studies, he’s written for various websites and online publications. Adam lives in Orange County, CA with his lovely wife, Stacia and their four children – all boys. In 2015, Adam’s world got turned upside down when his then 2-year-old was diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia. Since diagnosis, Adam’s son, Ezekiel has gone through cancer treatment now more than half his life. Through the entire journey, Adam and Stacia have struggled with being as present as possible with all their boys while maintaining persistent presence for Ezekiel in his time of difficulty.
In late 2016, Adam wrote and published the memoir, Ezekiel’s Path: Our Family’s Journey Through Childhood Leukemia, which documents the first year of his family going through Zeke’s cancer diagnosis and treatment.
Adam and his family all enjoy spending time together, playing with NERF guns, watching all things Disney as well as jumping on the trampoline, riding bikes and spending time with Grandma and Grandpa. While life is not always easy and while it is often difficult to even see the beauty in life, Adam and his family lean on the understanding that we can do all things through Christ, and some of those burdens are lifted and each day goes by a little easier.

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