For all the moments I hate when I know I’ve let you down by letting myself down.
There are times when I wonder would this fatherhood thing be any easier if I had a father around when I was growing up.
Would I know what to do and get it right the first time instead of the second, third or even the fourth time. Then when I finally do get it right, I left wondering, without a father of my own, am I appreciating and dissecting all these moments that make good and even bad memories, even more.
There’re times when you’re testing the boundaries, pushing the limits. When I feel my rage is becoming distant on the verge of being lost, my patience is thin to the point it’s transparent.
I wonder am I cut out for this?
Am I fit to be your father?
These are the times when I’m usually tired, exhausted yet I still have to keep calm and my patience on an even keel.
After all, you’re growing up, taking it all in.
I sometimes forget that we’re both learning.
The simple things I do so easily that I take them for granted I’ve come to realize these are the things that make you struggle.
I remember watching you crawl, then eventually walking in a weird unsteady kind of way. And now we’re holding hands running at Noah speed.
I guess we are both teachers a well as students.
Sometimes I shout at you, but instantly hate myself as I look at you with your hands over your face.
Then I want to hold you with hopes of turning back the clock for just a few minutes.
Are my expectations too high for you?
Am I trying too hard to make things happen?
Should I just let this growing up thing happen in due course?
Then in an instant, you smile, sometimes even laugh, and I realize right then that I am doing something right.
You’re my world Noah noo.